我雖然沒有永恆的青春、不受污染的純真，但有經一事長一智的生命體驗。

─ 陳藹玲

"You can take the girl out of high school, but you can't take high school out of the girl."

灰塵萌生

時間在灰塵萌生的日子裡過去了
該打的電話仍擱置著
該醒悟的罪惡感仍時時刻刻地折磨著我們三姐妹
我常常想 這樣的糾結 這樣的大時代裡不該存在的誤解與尊嚴 何時可以離我而去 何時可以讓E在夜裡不再驚醒 讓W不再畏懼所謂的家

我也常想 是不是我不自量力 是不是我們不自量力
也許 這終究會是一個永遠打不開的結
也許 我們注定帶著它輪迴 帶著它生生世世
帶著它哇哇落地 帶著它喜怒哀樂 帶著它來到另一個家庭 擁有另一種人生
與它共生存 任由它寄生 束手無策

天母的百貨公司

這些日子以來我常想起A
想起那些互相陪伴的日子 想起彼此用苛刻的言語折磨對方的日子
想起她的夢想 一些永遠不會實現的夢想
想起在這樣寄生蟲般的依賴關係中舔舐傷口的我
想起高傲的她
想起天母百貨公司前的水泥地
想起妳我的足跡

這樣的思念 這樣殘忍的追憶 原來源自那天的天母行
原來只要回到舊地 還是只能無助地任由漫長時間背棄的過去椎心痛徹地
在公車上
在黑暗中
在白晝
在字裡行間
提醒你 曾有的過去 你丟棄的回憶
我唯一的選擇

The Wonder of Life

"The wonder of life is that even in despair, when things seem hopeless, you still get to choose who you want to be and how you respond. "

- Oprah
http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200705/omag_200705_mission.jhtml

Inscription

I thought of A over the weekend. I thought about how the memory of her haunts me months after we parted and I bid my goodbye with her. I thought about how all this time I’ve never let go of her, how the thought of her still breaks me. I thought of resolving the issues with her or quietly within myself. Then the thought of having a pressing need to seek resolution with her frightens me. Why would I need to go this far for a moment of truth, a peace of mind with someone who should not matter in my life? Someone who has finally found her happiness and left me alone.

I thought of the sickening habit of me to make up imaginary enemies and how the negativity affects me in indescribable ways. I thought about quitting the habit for good. Then I imagined A with her fiancé walking through the food court in the department store, hand in hand. I imagined running into her and having to turn away. Then I couldn’t help but feeling the anger rising inside of me, running through my veins. I am angry at myself for thinking so much about A, for imagining her happiness, for her having her happiness.

I secretly wondered if she deserved her happiness. Even if it shouldn't be up to me to decide or even to doubt if anyone, if A deserves the kind of happiness she owns. The happiness she inscribed on her skin, on her fate. I wondered if she ever thought of me, if she thinks of me from time to time.