當光明出現的時候，黑暗就消失

當智慧跟慈悲出現的時候，痛苦跟畏懼也會自然消失

小情歌

珍妮花離開的前一晚 我們聚在一起 終於吃到了傳說中的尤氏羊肉爐
回程的一路上 嘉嘉和我很患難的分著一副耳機 重複的聽著這首小情歌
我們很有默契的決定 這一程路 從木柵到中山國中 我們都要一直聽這首歌
捷運上的座位 散亂著當天training的大畫本 斜放著的雨傘

有時回想哪一晚的歌聲 總會想起捷運車窗外飛逝而過的雨景
你知道　就算大雨讓這個城市顛倒 我會給你懷抱

到達萬芳醫院 駛過科技大樓站 來到了曾經狼狽萬分的大安站
就算整個世界被寂寞綁票 我也不會奔跑
還記得在某人的部落格讀到 筆者覺得那是個無比沉重及嚴肅的承諾
但是 這世界又怎會被寂寞綁票呢
是怎麼樣排山倒海的寂寞 竟可以冷酷的沒收所有情感
是哪些人 給了寂寞不屬於它的權力

我問嘉 離騷是什麼意思
是怎樣的心情 能將屈原的浪漫寫進二十一世紀的流行樂曲
而是怎樣的雨夜 能讓嘉和我為這一首歌心動不已

Change is the only constant, so they said…

I've always been a firm believer of the saying, “change is the only constant,” changes are for a better future, changes are actually good for you. Good for me.

Yet I have become the biggest skeptical of the thought these few days, for I am seeing changes in myself that are, if not, drastic, utmost unsettling in many ways. I am not understanding how I feel or how to come to terms with the uneasy feelings in the stomach. I am not doing very well.

Simply said, I am not myself anymore. I am not feeling like myself anymore. I am pushing people out, closing myself in, blaming myself and believing that I do not deserve true and graceful love.

As much as I resent the habit of criticizing myself for all the wrongdoings that happen in a day, I seem to be really good at doing this, at feeling like a failure anytime of the day.

I am never going to love myself, am I?
I am never going to believe that good love can come easily, am I?

I start praying to God for more strength and wisdom for I seem to be losing all of it. The simple act of mustering enough strength and wisdom to get me to the end of the day seems almost impossible.

The past couple days of all the madness of a wedding, of traveling for hours to get to the man who welcomed me with wide open arms, of returning to a most familiar yet strange work place, of hastily leaving with a bad taste in the mouth. It isn't unbearable. It was almost too easy. Things changed for no better reason. People left without much left to be said. Love lost and love found. How do I be certain of what it is that I am secretly wishing for? Amongst all the confusions and changes in the dailiness of life.

If getting to the last pages of the book among the 20 other books that I am also reading itself presents a challenge to me, how is it that I am asking to demonstrate disciplines?