Change is the only constant, so they said…

I've always been a firm believer of the saying, “change is the only constant,” changes are for a better future, changes are actually good for you. Good for me.

Yet I have become the biggest skeptical of the thought these few days, for I am seeing changes in myself that are, if not, drastic, utmost unsettling in many ways. I am not understanding how I feel or how to come to terms with the uneasy feelings in the stomach. I am not doing very well.

Simply said, I am not myself anymore. I am not feeling like myself anymore. I am pushing people out, closing myself in, blaming myself and believing that I do not deserve true and graceful love.

As much as I resent the habit of criticizing myself for all the wrongdoings that happen in a day, I seem to be really good at doing this, at feeling like a failure anytime of the day.

I am never going to love myself, am I?
I am never going to believe that good love can come easily, am I?

I start praying to God for more strength and wisdom for I seem to be losing all of it. The simple act of mustering enough strength and wisdom to get me to the end of the day seems almost impossible.

The past couple days of all the madness of a wedding, of traveling for hours to get to the man who welcomed me with wide open arms, of returning to a most familiar yet strange work place, of hastily leaving with a bad taste in the mouth. It isn't unbearable. It was almost too easy. Things changed for no better reason. People left without much left to be said. Love lost and love found. How do I be certain of what it is that I am secretly wishing for? Amongst all the confusions and changes in the dailiness of life.

If getting to the last pages of the book among the 20 other books that I am also reading itself presents a challenge to me, how is it that I am asking to demonstrate disciplines?