What does the world want from me?

Why am I here?

Why does the world need what I have to offer?

I wish you love

An all time jazz favorite. The music takes you to a mysterious place. It's fascinating.

I Wish You Love

Artist: Rachael Yamagata

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this

I wish you love
And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade

I wish you health
And more than wealth
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best My very best
I set you free

I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall

I wish you love
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love

I believe

眼前的黑不是黑 你說的白是什麼白
人們說的天空藍 是我記憶中那團白雲背後的藍天
─ 蕭煌奇

I have always believed that I would do great things. I would live an extraordinary life that becomes a legend to some. I would create, I would make wonderful things happen, I would inspire, I would be an icon, I would be proud. I would define the meaning of my life. I would fulfill. I would do them good. Make them proud.

I refuse to be treated any less than what I deserve.

給g

親愛的g,

寫封情書給你
但我的筆怎麼寫不出鍾文音的動人詞句
寫不出攝人的情感
寫不出過去 寫不出思念 寫不出每日的追憶

親愛的g, 我想像你漫步在大阪街頭
想像迎面而來的關西女子
想像你猜測你無緣的我的故事
想像你低問我的近況

親愛的g, 你懷念的是涉世未深 終日鬱鬱的我
在冬日積雪的草地駐著拐杖赤裸地奔跑
在波光粼粼的查理斯河畔旁與你相守
在離開舞會的接駁車上哭泣 承受白人男子輕挑的我

我親愛的g,
你是不需要時間經過，也可以讓我有答案的人，但我依然覺得生命有你很好很好。(鍾文音)

我最最親愛的g,
於是時間證明你是對的
你的預言 你的信誓旦旦 都是對的
我沒有一日快樂
謝謝你鼓起勇氣萬般殘忍的對待 在離別時吐訴所有你知道的真相
在另一個城市呼吸著我的空氣 變態地回憶我的殘缺
在陌生的日本女子身體 霸道地撫摸我 佔有我

親愛的g啊
你依然是我最親愛的 我萬般地思念你 萬般地渴望擁有你

我的親愛的
我該怎麼在浩瀚的時間洪流裡 這樣自私地擁有你呢

Crushed at last

I started writing online in 2002 when things at stake finally fell apart, fell into the open void that none of us could have any say. I wrote and documented the end of my loved ones' relationships, the crushed dreams, my crushed dreams, things that seemed to matter, things that brought us hope. I wrote and spoke about lives that I could have possibly changed, people that I would always love.

I continued to write in Japan, with L along side me. Strange as it sounds, L was there when I needed to hold onto someone. L stood by me, until the very last day. Yet, I continued to envy L. I questioned her right to be happy. I questioned everyone's right to be happy.

It ain't easy, honey. To live in anger and to live with so much hate.

I wrote to L. I missed her.
I always like to put it this way—L has and will always be in my thoughts.
L never responded. L hasn't.

The writing had to stop in 2004. I had to leave my sputnik sweetheart. I lost it in the world wide web. I let it go. I ended our relationship. I gave away my last source of comfort amidst a period of turmoil.

Dear God,
I don't ask very much from you.

Please. Do give me the strength to go on. Do give me the peace of mind that I am in a dire need for.

Dear God, you must understand. You must.
You must give me what I need. You must love me like how you love all the other children. You must give me the strength. You must love me.

I will then save myself. I will be able to. I will not mind the gaps, the hidden traps along the way, I will be strong enough to go on. I will fear no longer.

Dear God, I must have you in my heart. I must go on with you in my prayers.

And my loves, I will not give up on myself. I will continue to love you all, love them all. I shall not be crushed so easily.

Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.

- Winston Churchill