Crushed at last

I started writing online in 2002 when things at stake finally fell apart, fell into the open void that none of us could have any say. I wrote and documented the end of my loved ones' relationships, the crushed dreams, my crushed dreams, things that seemed to matter, things that brought us hope. I wrote and spoke about lives that I could have possibly changed, people that I would always love.

I continued to write in Japan, with L along side me. Strange as it sounds, L was there when I needed to hold onto someone. L stood by me, until the very last day. Yet, I continued to envy L. I questioned her right to be happy. I questioned everyone's right to be happy.

It ain't easy, honey. To live in anger and to live with so much hate.

I wrote to L. I missed her.
I always like to put it this way—L has and will always be in my thoughts.
L never responded. L hasn't.

The writing had to stop in 2004. I had to leave my sputnik sweetheart. I lost it in the world wide web. I let it go. I ended our relationship. I gave away my last source of comfort amidst a period of turmoil.

Dear God,
I don't ask very much from you.

Please. Do give me the strength to go on. Do give me the peace of mind that I am in a dire need for.

Dear God, you must understand. You must.
You must give me what I need. You must love me like how you love all the other children. You must give me the strength. You must love me.

I will then save myself. I will be able to. I will not mind the gaps, the hidden traps along the way, I will be strong enough to go on. I will fear no longer.

Dear God, I must have you in my heart. I must go on with you in my prayers.

And my loves, I will not give up on myself. I will continue to love you all, love them all. I shall not be crushed so easily.