I am not yet ready to speak with you, to speak to you as if nothing has happened, as if the hurtful conversation never took place, as if life really could go on this easily, as if the world has not yet crumbled beneath our feet.

I am not yet prepared to deal with the brokenness that you made me feel, the defense you had against me, the silence, the drama, the questionable infidelity.

I am not armed.
I am not teamed.
I am just me, alone, silent, feared.

I am not ready to apologize, to go away, to turn my back on you.
Nor am I ready to be healed, to love in spite of myself, to forgive.
I am not anyone else.