Janurary 14, 2008

M,

A long overdue piece of writing that I promised weeks ago, in our parting cab ride, our goodbye word. The truth is, I hadn’t been able to write for a long time, unable to put my thoughts down, in writing, in print, in concrete terms, in languages once familiar to me.

And to this day, the mystery remained to be answered, the answers nowhere to be found, and I had no choice but continue life without having a better understanding of the wrongs that are taking place in my life, consuming a piece of me, bit by bit, piece by piece.

The year 2008 was off to a very odd start, as most events and stories of my life. I celebrated the very beginning of the new year with a group of strangers who would not and had not mattered very much in my life. I remembered sipping the champagne and thinking to myself- “what the hell am I doing here?” I didn’t come all the way here, in my beautiful new year eve party dress and full blown makeup, all the way across the globe, threading in between cities, fallen love and crushed hopes, to be here, to sit beside men and women who never for one second of their lives regarded me as someone loving and special.

In fact, I did not go through a whole lot of trouble, to find myself amidst people who never saw the light in me, the strength that had kept me going all these years, the love that I wanted to give and to cherish. I had no doubt that this was a group of very special men and women, people who wanted to love well and be good to each other, who never meant to hurt and let go of important relationships. It was unfair of me to accuse them of not loving the way I do, of not giving the best they could.

There are men and people in our lives that have done us wrong in every sense of the word. At times I wonder if I have been too harsh, if the expectation would ever exceed the hurt, if happiness would eventually find its way through, for “there is a crack in everything- that’s how the light gets in”, so the saying goes.

I am remembering the story of the light bulb. You were absolutely right. Let there be light. And there would be.

Sometimes it’s as simple as that.

But my very dearest M, I wasn’t, we weren’t meant to be hurt all over. Were we? I stared into the empty space, at all the pots and pans, the coffee tin, the wash boards, asking myself the question as I opened a can of corn, sliced some ham, washed my hands with the stream of winter cold water. Were we meant to be hurt over and over until life or god comes to its senses? Until someone decides to finally do us justice, to axe out the bad and the evil, the wrongs and the unfairness. I contemplate the meanings behind being abandoned, being loved and let go, of enduring the agonies of losses and pain time after time, of finding ourselves at various points of confusion throughout our lives, of falling in and out of love, of believing in the goodness of people and finding ourselves utterly disappointed at the last chapter.